Smile vs life

Just saw a pic if me when I was 17/18 - big giant grin and an obvious happiness that is almost palpable. It's extraordinary looking at pics up to that age and seeing it over and over again (ok except when I was 13 and hated everything. Ah teenagers!). It used to define me, that smile, it was a guarantee, people described me by it - always smiling, such a happy person to be around... and it was true. 

When did I stop smiling, when did the worries take over? I was always an introvert, so it's not the social side of things, but there is this constant worry, this burden of responsibility, this desperate need for planning and for things to go right (aka according to plan) that wasn't there before. And it seems it's here to stay, stronger, darker by the day. It feels like I move between worrying, being anxious and depressed and being organised, planning and cooing... but the smile isn't there in either... occasionally yes, and it's real and Shows happiness but it's fleeting and carries no weight. 

When did it all change and why?

Lockdown has caugt up with me...

... moved from bed to sofa and it took all my energy. Can't seem to hold that silent depressed cry anymore and that's all I feel like doing. Feel useless, haven't managed any of my plans for these weeks and am massively struggling to focus.

I am seen as the strong one so noone really asks 'how are you coping?', it's just a rhetorical greeting. I've checked in with my friends here and abroad, always in that one-way system. Bf is going through quarantine smoothly so I am not sure he notices. Because i still function.

I clean, I cook, I work/volunteer... auto-pilotting my life this last week with this knot in the throat, silencing this despair. Feeling lost, ultimately lost and not being able to brush it off, bounce back. I am free falling into the wallow... 

Can your body self-sabotage?

Like most women that want/need to go on a diet and exercise, I could easily br crowned Queen of excuses and procrastination. However this time I was determined, or so I thought, but then hayfever, sinus and a cold all hit at once like storm Gareth outside. Proper nose blocked, no sleep, constant sneezing and that not-so-lovely pressure in the forehead. Now I wonder, is it possible that it's all underlyingly psychological? That my body is self sabotaging?

Lists...

This is so me and I certainly overuse the Notes app... from work related items to house chores, from places to visit to shopping lists... I have it all.

Most days it helps me relax (just writing it down is helpful) and there is an undeniable breathing space whenever a task is deleted (digital) or highlighted (paper), but at times it can feel daunting too. The main list is somewhat too big, doesn't seem to clear up and that overwhelming sensation starts creeping in.

Some people find it obsessive, others relate to the core, but the fact is that is gives me some sense of control (albeit not always balanced!). What about you? Are you a list maker?

I have a feeling...

It's not a great year so far when you sit at Tesco's carpark crying your eyes out for over an hour...

Repeat until it sinks in

It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok.It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok.
It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok.

It's that time of the year...

when weather changes, christmas is around the corner, work piles up, i can't make time for social life and i spiral into a black hole. Every year, the same story. Around this time I stop being ok... I want to cry more ofetn than i don't, i hate my body and no clothes fit me, i want to eat my bodyweight in chocolate and i feel slightly angry with everything. I always recognise it early - the black dog. Stillt it creeps in and I am powerless to it. It starts with the blue mood, then the annoying knot on the throat like a swallowed cry, the feeling of loneliness, an urge to scream but a mute voice... and I am not OK. Again.

NYE

I am not sure I ever liked NYE, but I like it less this year. I am ill and feel terribly down. I wanted to do something different, something fun like going dancing or going to a party or simply watching fireworks. Instead I'll be home, have a beautiful meal and watch something silly on tv... but that's what we did earlier and last night and last week... I know I should be thankful that I get to spend this evening with my parents and boyfriend and that I could drop by a friend's house... i am grateful for all that, really, but i just wanted sonething different, something fun...

Coincidences

Today this blog was needed which is not the best thing... I am not sure if it's being under the weather for 4 weeks now, work, christmas approaching or what, but i was totally overwhelmed this morning. I felt utterly alone, without anyone to call and say 'hey i am not ok.' I seriously considered calling my old therapist but thay felt too extreme. I wasn't that bad, not today. And i know i have friends that would have been there for me, but i don't like to bother them with these black moments, i don't like to put them in that situation where they are powerless to help because i don't actually know what's wrong.

A crying fit, lonely, 'put your head between your knees'  anxiety attack, whatever you wanna call it, it happened and there's no shame in admitting it. I sort of pulled myself together (don't I always?!), got ready, kissed the furbabies and drove off... and then, as a sign, a coincidence or just pure luck, basket case was blaring on the radio and i couldn't help to laugh out loud, shaking off all (well most) of those bad feelings.

It's true when they say the black dog never truly goes away, which is why i always acknowledge it and admit it, but then again I adopted a gorgeous lovely black GSD so black dogs must be a good thing!!!

https://youtu.be/NUTGr5t3MoY