sexta-feira, 15 de março de 2019

Can your body self-sabotage?

Like most women that want/need to go on a diet and exercise, I could easily br crowned Queen of excuses and procrastination. However this time I was determined, or so I thought, but then hayfever, sinus and a cold all hit at once like storm Gareth outside. Proper nose blocked, no sleep, constant sneezing and that not-so-lovely pressure in the forehead. Now I wonder, is it possible that it's all underlyingly psychological? That my body is self sabotaging?

terça-feira, 5 de fevereiro de 2019

Lists...


This is so me and I certainly overuse the Notes app... from work related items to house chores, from places to visit to shopping lists... I have it all.

Most days it helps me relax (just writing it down is helpful) and there is an undeniable breathing space whenever a task is deleted (digital) or highlighted (paper), but at times it can feel daunting too. The main list is somewhat too big, doesn't seem to clear up and that overwhelming sensation starts creeping in.

Some people find it obsessive, others relate to the core, but the fact is that is gives me some sense of control (albeit not always balanced!). What about you? Are you a list maker?

quinta-feira, 10 de janeiro de 2019

I have a feeling...

It's not a great year so far when you sit at Tesco's carpark crying your eyes out for over an hour...

quinta-feira, 18 de outubro de 2018

Repeat until it sinks in

It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok.It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok.
It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok not to be ok.

sexta-feira, 5 de outubro de 2018

It's that time of the year...

when weather changes, christmas is around the corner, work piles up, i can't make time for social life and i spiral into a black hole. Every year, the same story. Around this time I stop being ok... I want to cry more ofetn than i don't, i hate my body and no clothes fit me, i want to eat my bodyweight in chocolate and i feel slightly angry with everything. I always recognise it early - the black dog. Stillt it creeps in and I am powerless to it. It starts with the blue mood, then the annoying knot on the throat like a swallowed cry, the feeling of loneliness, an urge to scream but a mute voice... and I am not OK. Again.

domingo, 31 de dezembro de 2017

NYE

I am not sure I ever liked NYE, but I like it less this year. I am ill and feel terribly down. I wanted to do something different, something fun like going dancing or going to a party or simply watching fireworks. Instead I'll be home, have a beautiful meal and watch something silly on tv... but that's what we did earlier and last night and last week... I know I should be thankful that I get to spend this evening with my parents and boyfriend and that I could drop by a friend's house... i am grateful for all that, really, but i just wanted sonething different, something fun...

sexta-feira, 10 de novembro de 2017

Coincidences

Today this blog was needed which is not the best thing... I am not sure if it's being under the weather for 4 weeks now, work, christmas approaching or what, but i was totally overwhelmed this morning. I felt utterly alone, without anyone to call and say 'hey i am not ok.' I seriously considered calling my old therapist but thay felt too extreme. I wasn't that bad, not today. And i know i have friends that would have been there for me, but i don't like to bother them with these black moments, i don't like to put them in that situation where they are powerless to help because i don't actually know what's wrong.

A crying fit, lonely, 'put your head between your knees'  anxiety attack, whatever you wanna call it, it happened and there's no shame in admitting it. I sort of pulled myself together (don't I always?!), got ready, kissed the furbabies and drove off... and then, as a sign, a coincidence or just pure luck, basket case was blaring on the radio and i couldn't help to laugh out loud, shaking off all (well most) of those bad feelings.

It's true when they say the black dog never truly goes away, which is why i always acknowledge it and admit it, but then again I adopted a gorgeous lovely black GSD so black dogs must be a good thing!!!

https://youtu.be/NUTGr5t3MoY

quinta-feira, 19 de maio de 2016

Baggage

I would never delete this blog, it carries too much of my soul. But I am not sure it still represents me or just drags my baggage along. I want to write again, yet I somewhat freeze when I log in here. There's a weight, a time, a situation associated with every word written that stops me moving forward. I instantly get pulled to a darker place when I am here, which is strange as most memories here are happy, deep though ones... I guess I'll just leave this here, so I can remember and check in if needed be. Because sometimes you need that... to check in to your past self, to retrace the steps of the learning journey to this moment. So maybe this is goodbye or see you soon, maybe time has come to write a new chapter and leave the past where it belongs.

sábado, 23 de janeiro de 2016

Silent words

Almost a year went by without posts, then 2 about new year resolutions... I want to get back to writing, I crave it, but the words are locked inside and still fail me