Smile vs life

Just saw a pic if me when I was 17/18 - big giant grin and an obvious happiness that is almost palpable. It's extraordinary looking at pics up to that age and seeing it over and over again (ok except when I was 13 and hated everything. Ah teenagers!). It used to define me, that smile, it was a guarantee, people described me by it - always smiling, such a happy person to be around... and it was true. 

When did I stop smiling, when did the worries take over? I was always an introvert, so it's not the social side of things, but there is this constant worry, this burden of responsibility, this desperate need for planning and for things to go right (aka according to plan) that wasn't there before. And it seems it's here to stay, stronger, darker by the day. It feels like I move between worrying, being anxious and depressed and being organised, planning and cooing... but the smile isn't there in either... occasionally yes, and it's real and Shows happiness but it's fleeting and carries no weight. 

When did it all change and why?

Lockdown has caugt up with me...

... moved from bed to sofa and it took all my energy. Can't seem to hold that silent depressed cry anymore and that's all I feel like doing. Feel useless, haven't managed any of my plans for these weeks and am massively struggling to focus.

I am seen as the strong one so noone really asks 'how are you coping?', it's just a rhetorical greeting. I've checked in with my friends here and abroad, always in that one-way system. Bf is going through quarantine smoothly so I am not sure he notices. Because i still function.

I clean, I cook, I work/volunteer... auto-pilotting my life this last week with this knot in the throat, silencing this despair. Feeling lost, ultimately lost and not being able to brush it off, bounce back. I am free falling into the wallow...